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Birthday boy!

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Birthday boy!

A Poem by Dean

Dean wrote his first poem over the weekend.
Here it is:

My Dog

I have a dog
I like to pet
He waits and waits for me
He jumps and jumps
And then I throw the frisbee

Where to Begin?

To say we've been busy is to vastly understate it.

This is the last week of my Mondo Beyondo class. The first week was absolute heaven but life has interfered since then and I haven't devoted the time, energy and focus to it like I wanted to. It's okay because the lessons will still be there after the 5 weeks is over so I can do them when I can really spend time on them. At the same time it's a little disappointing because I had so hoped to have some sort of magnificent revelation about myself and my biggest dreams. No such revelation yet. Although, I found myself saying something out loud the other day that I've only really dreamt about so maybe it's working on the most subconscious of levels.

This Friday and Saturday I will be participating in an Inspired Work program with 5 other lucky people. Carolyn (my old boss) did this same program in October and came away from it completely energized, excited and focused. I'm hoping for the same. Then Saturday night we (my handsome spouse and I) will be attending the Princess and the Frog wrap party. Sunday is gloriously open on our calendar and I will be protecting that time with all the ferocity of a lioness protecting her cubs.

Yesterday I took the boys to the doctor to get their seasonal flu vaccines and the h1n1 vaccine. The waiting room was full of sickly looking children bundled up in blankets with bed head, sniffly noses and hacking coughs. I signed us in and then promptly asked to move to the infant area where the healthy people can wait for their turn. We moved to a room pretty quickly where Jack suddenly started complaining of a headache. I touched him and he felt warm. Glassy eyes were noted. The nurse took his temp and it was normal but he wasn't looking good to me. I waited until the last second and then decided not to give him the h1n1 (they were out of seasonal flu vaccs). Dean took his shot like a trooper - didn't even cry. He was so brave. We left there and headed to the school where I dropped off Dean. I checked Jack's temp when we got home and it was 100.2 degrees. So glad I went with my gut on that one. This came on so fast with him. He was fine when he woke up but when he complains of a headache, it usually means he has a fever coming on. It came down quickly with a dose of tylenol and we've been cycling through medication ever since. He's home again today and feels fine as long as he has the medicine in him. I hope this cycles through soon and he can go back to school tomorrow. Dean hasn't caught it so far.

I tested last Saturday for my next belt level and my friend Priscilla was in attendance to witness it. She took lots of pictures which she's going to put on a disk and she took video of my sparring. As soon as I get it I'll post the video here and maybe a few pictures too. I had a great test, despite my nervousness. I get so nerved up for the tests. I know all my technique but there's something about being there on the mat in front of the masters and grandmaster that gets my adrenaline pumping. I have to learn to control that before my black belt test because all that tension is exhausting and the black belt test is a two day test. I don't want to waste my energy on needless tension.

I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. Studio is closed for 4 days so my email can't stack up. Four days of relaxing with my family and friends, eating good food, drinking good wine. We have plans on the day of and the Saturday after and I think I'm going to keep the other days open so we can just relax. I need time to breathe and think.

Work is going as fine as it can be, I guess. It's a little weird being in meetings discussing processes which once implemented will likely make my job obsolete but I'm doing my best to remain positive and helpful.

The boys are turning 7 in just a couple of weeks. How is that possible? I vacillate between being completely in love with them one moment and then wanting to throttle them the next. They are by turns loving, hateful, affectionate, pouty, excited, bored, maddening, intoxicating - sometimes within 5 minutes. Their reading comprehension is growing exponentially as is their spelling ability. Dean is struggling with math and Jack struggles with his printing. Jack just needs to take his time and one of these days I swear I'm going to hear a clicking sound when working with Dean on his math problems. Until then, I need to stay as patient as possible even when I have to explain how to reach the sum of 9 + 5 for the 100th time. I've managed to stay relatively organized despite the mountain of papers that come home each day. I like both of their teachers and think they are in the right classes.

That's enough for now, right?

Looking Up

I haven't written about it but September was a rocky month. Beginning with the news that my boss is leaving and punctuated by my milestone birthday of FORTY (FORTY is always in all caps), each day found me in a different state of agitation. Sometimes depressed, afraid and angry, other times high with the possibilities that lie ahead, always with a hint of hyperventilation and the threat of hives. On the one hand I've been entertaining the biggest of dreams and then my inner critic surfaces and, well, she can wreck the best of parties.
Change is in the air, of that I am certain. I don't know when for sure it will come but it seems inevitable. Restructuring at work will result in a complete change in my job unless of course there isn't a job left at all. This isn't speculation on my part - the powers that be are doing right by me by being straight up honest about everything and I am grateful for that. There may be other options within my division and there may be other options in the company. Or it may just be time for me to leave.
Believe it or not, turning FORTY was the major highlight of September. The age doesn't bother me - I love birthdays so it doesn't matter what number it is. I had a few friends over, ate some good food, drank a lot of wine and then slept in the next day. It was perfect. But FORTY is a milestone, is it not? And it does start one to thinking about how to spend the next FORTY. Suddenly, at FORTY, I'm beginning to ask myself the hard questions again: What do you want to do with your life? What are your biggest dreams? Isn't there more? The funny thing is, what keeps coming up most frequently in my mind is that I want to work less. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to get home when they're coming home from school. So how do I do that and still make a living? Where can I go where I only have to work from 9 to 3? And still make a decent salary? And still feel fulfilled? Or does my fulfillment come from the ability to devote this time to my family?
You see why September was such a roller coaster for me?
Mondo Beyondo starts tomorrow - an online course about dreaming big and fulfilling your biggest dreams. It may not be the answer, it may bring me many, many more questions but it seems like it's the right timet to dream big.
I am also taking a workshop in November called Inspired Work. I'm not sure how exactly it will work in my case but I think the concept is this: work is a significant relationship in our lives and most people are unhappy with what they are doing. Inspired Work is about helping you become inspired in the work you are doing or inspired to make a change. I mentioned this workshop to someone the other day and she said "what happens if you find out you're doing something you shouldn't really be doing and now you've had all these years of experience and school and it's too late". And I thought my inner critic was tough. The thing is, it's never too late to make a change. My mom went back to school at the age of 47. She became a nurse at 52 years old - her lifelong dream. Julia Child went to Le Cordon Bleu at the age of 47. I'm only FORTY.
I like stability so all these questions make me a little crazy but I can't help but be a little excited at what could be. I don't know what the future will bring but so far, October is looking up.

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Kate and Wolfie

Bike Riders

Big thanks to Dean for helping to teach Jack how to ride a bike. Great encouragement, always positive. I'm so proud.

Mondo Beyondo!

Only 4 more days until MONDO BEYONDO!! I can't wait!

The next session is in January and registration is open. Go!

JB

I found out yesterday that someone I used to work with passed away. She had just celebrated her 56th birthday in Vegas with her family. She wasn't suffering from a long term illness. She planned her trip to Vegas and started feeling sick either just before her trip or during her trip. She went to hospital, was admitted and then moved to ICU in just days. Just 23 days later, she passed away after 3 weeks in a coma. The cause of death is still unknown. All we know is that she had trouble breathing and that's why she went to the hospital. It escalated from there to a collapsed lung and then one by one her organs started shutting down. My heart goes out to her family and friends. It's such a shock and we here at DAS are all reeling.

Hug your people close, be grateful for every day, be brave, pursue your dreams, pass it on.

Blaze your own fiery trail.

I Freaked Out

It was a great class yesterday morning. We worked on olympic sparring technique only and it was great. It's hard, it's confusing and it required all of my mental and physical focus but it was so great. Then, we sparred for the last 5 minutes. I caught 2 decent kicks to the solar plexus, lost a little breath and then panicked. My throat started closing up and I realized that while I was fine physically, mentally I was freaked and just that realization caused the panic to worsen. I couldn't breathe. The more I thought about the fact that I couldn't breathe, the worse the constriction in my throat became. My breath became a whistle as I paced the studio, trying to regain control.
'Ki-hap loud!' the master commanded. And I did. A ki-hap that started from the tips of my toes and blasted out the top of my head. I instantly felt better but the panic was back within an instant. I did another ki-hap. And another. And another. Each one loud and raw. I heard someone say wow. One more and finally, finally I was able to get control of my breathing. I let the Master know that I was ok. He called me over to face my partner, ordered us to fighting stance, and I waited for him to say 'begin' but he didn't. He let us stand there, facing each other, ready to fight, and then he said stop. We came to attention, bowed and shook hands. He just wanted to make sure I'd come back to fight.
In that moment, I wasn't really sure what triggered it. It was like the panic that I experienced the first time I sparred, times 100. I mean, I know it's fear but I don't know what specific fear it is. I've been playing it over and over in my head. I think it was because I was frustrated that I wasn't sparring well, that I hadn't internalized the new technique that I just learned, that I seemed to have forgotten all the technique I had learned to date.
Master strongly urged me to go to sparring class last night. Push through the panic. He doesn't want me to quit and after the morning's episode, I'm sure he thought it was a possibility. I have no intention of quitting, though. There is just too much that I love about it to let one bad day of sparring get to me.
I went to the sparring class and didn't have any panic episodes. On the other hand, I did have moments of thinking I was going to throw up and/or pass out but that was just from sheer exertion, not panic. I got kicked in the head and punched a lot but I never panicked and I never got knocked down. I also realized that I'm still relying far too heavily on my round house kick and not doing nearly enough combinations. I really need to give myself a break though. It's only been 10 months and I've already progressed very quickly. I need to relax, I know. And breathe.

Today though, I tested for my blue belt, which was awesome, and I drove home feeling proud and confident and exhausted. And one belt closer to black.

Have you Wordled?

Values

Image courtesy of http://wordle.net/

Words by me.